I am shaking right now like you wouldn’t even believe. Yes, I performed tonight, and it was the most emotionally taxing show I’ve ever done. I took a chance and put myself out there completely. I am a bundle of emotions right now. I’m happy. I’m sad. I’m excited. I’m afraid. I am feeling every single emotion that you can imagine.
Tonight, I performed a really tough song that I wrote called “Love Remembers Everything.” It wasn’t that it was tough for me to perform physically, but it holds a lot of emotion for me. It was one of the last songs that I composed about my father after he lost his battle with cancer.
I wrote many songs during that time. Even though I had my family there with me and we all supported one another, I just felt like I couldn’t completely let go of the grief that I held during his fight with cancer and after his death. I know my mom and my siblings would listen to anything I had to say, but I just couldn’t verbalize all the pain that I felt during that time. So, I wrote music instead. I wrote pages and pages of emotional lyrics that embodied the feelings that I had. I did this just wanting a way to express myself. I never expected it to become a type of therapy, if you will.
One of the last songs that I wrote managed to capture all the feelings that I had about my father. It wasn’t just about the hard times. It wasn’t just about how the sickness had robbed him of so much life or how his death left an empty space in my heart. It chronicled the good times that we together, as well. I always felt like it was the greatest thing that I could write to honor my father’s legacy.
I’ve only performed this song a few times, and I don’t know what made me want to perform it tonight. Maybe I was feeling nostalgic. In two months, my dad will have been deceased for three years. This will be the first year that I’m not home to make the journey to honor him with my mother and siblings, and I think that is starting to weigh on me. I think that performing this song tonight was my way of honoring him even though I know that I won’t be able to make it to his graveside this year.
I was in tears by the time I finished it. That song makes me feel so vulnerable. All my emotions are on display whenever I perform it, and the crowdseemed to love it. I got such a thunderous applause, and I’m hoping it’s because they understand the emotional depth of this song and the type of courage it took to perform it in front of complete strangers. I hope, if there is an afterlife, that my father saw me perform this song tonight. I hope he’s proud of me.